Evolving Reflections on ‘Home’

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My husband and I raised our two sons in Northfield, Minnesota — a progressive, two-college town where I always felt safe, where we rarely locked the side door off the driveway at night, where our kids rode their bikes freely around town. Back when we sold our family home in 2013, I wanted to write an ode to the place where I had lived for 20 years, the longest stretch of my lifetime.

That house was home, full of two decades’ worth of meaning and memories, family and friends, a center of activity for sleepovers and potlucks, where boisterous boys and loving dogs (rest in peace, Skip and Lucy) were a dominant, delightful presence.

The small-town house in Northfield, Minnesota, where our two sons grew up: 20 years of memories. Photo by Amy Gage

No one else in the family seemed to share my nostalgia for the white Dutch Colonial with a three-season front porch, a black roof and red trim, built in 1900 within eyesight of Old Main at St. Olaf College. It “looked appropriate” to see two little girls dash out the front door, my younger son said after he showed the house to his girlfriend during a trip back to town. That was all he would concede.

Eventually, I moved on, too, giving my heart to the smaller, 1906-era empty-nest house my husband and I have now in St. Paul, with a quaint wraparound porch that I fell for on sight. My shifting allegiances make me wonder: Is it the house itself that makes a home? Much as I love the expanded, updated kitchen in my current place and the egress window in the basement that fills my workout room with natural light, are those amenities what have bonded me to this place? Or could I comfortably, given time, call any place home?

Our city house today: walking distance to a library, four bus lines and two colleges, and a short bike ride to the Saint Paul Grand Round. Photo by David Studer

I’ve always reveled in the creative expression of home, the furniture and wall hangings and house plants that reflect my moods and tastes. These days, I am grateful not only for the safety and security I feel at home but for the privilege of being able to afford a house at all.

I root where I am planted. Whether it’s an upper duplex in northeast Minneapolis, a rental house on the edge of Indian Mounds Park in St. Paul or the first house that my husband and I purchased, and subsequently detached from when two teenagers burned a cross on the front lawn of a Black family down the street: Home is structure for me, a physical location, a place where I can put my stamp and comfortably be myself.

I had breakfast recently with a friend who had returned from a summer in Finland, her home country. She talked about the relatives she visited, described a mass transit system that allowed her and her wife to get along without a car, spoke fondly of the concerts they attended and the greater sense of ease in a society less gun crazy and politically polarized than ours.

“So, where is home,” I asked her.

“Home is where your people are,” she said.

My people, literally defined — the family I was raised in — are either dead or have moved away. My three surviving siblings are scattered around the country (the brother who died in 1988 lived just blocks from where I am now). At 67, I have few older relatives left in Minnesota. My mother, father and stepmother died in fairly quick succession, and all during autumn, in 2015, 2017 and 2018. In fact, my only extended family in a state where people are known for staying put is one sister-in-law in Minneapolis, an uncle who spends half the year in Florida, a first cousin in a far southern suburb and another first cousin about two hours north, a DFLer who keeps up the good fight in what is now solid red Trump country.

After seeing my older son off to London for graduate school in August, I feel lucky to have my younger son and his partner just a 10-minute bike ride away.

I describe my closest friends as “intentional family” — the folks who are no blood relation but with whom I share a history, the ones who hung with me through the messes and mistakes of young adulthood. After a 40-year career, I rarely go anywhere in St. Paul or Minneapolis without running into some colleague or connection. I worked with my next-door neighbor at St. Catherine University, shared a cubicle with the neighbor behind me for seven years in a newsroom and knew the woman who lives kitty-corner from my house at Minnesota Public Radio, when I was an editor on its magazine.

So, yes, as my friend says, people constitute “home.” My friendly neighborhood — with its walkability to mass transit, college campuses, and both fun and functional shopping — also enhances my sense of community. I thrive on the convenience of urban living, especially at an age when I feel less inclined to drive and more inclined to do good for the planet.

My parents divorced when I was 14. My childhood home was sold and my foundation ripped away at too tender an age for an awkward, uncertain girl. Perhaps that accounts for my love of home now, my reluctance to travel much with my long-retired husband. As my own career winds down, I have a growing desire just to stay home. To cook and tackle projects. To read and chat with neighbors.

To redefine my purpose and until then, to be still.

When my husband presses me about why I won’t travel more, I hardly know how to begin explaining. Our six-year age difference and our differing parental roles, which made sense when the kids were young, have now become a chasm in our respective wants and needs. As a largely on-site parent, he worked at home; even when he earned a part-time paycheck, he was the one in town while I commuted to my family-wage job.

He loved being Mr. Mom, “but there were no breaks or paid vacations.” And even though I did enjoy raises and paid time off and validations for a job well done, I also spent years leaving home five days a week, including on mornings when I longed to stay back with the little boy in the footie pajamas who held his arms out as I headed to the car.

Credit: iStock
Credit: Freepik

Being at home now is sustaining; it slows me down, allowing a reset from 40 years of pushing into the wind. There is much of the world I haven’t seen, large swaths of this country I’ve yet to cover. I dream about taking a train somewhere all by myself.

But for today, the simple pleasures of tucking in with a dog and a good book, learning how to cook tofu or repotting plants in my backyard while listening to a podcast are as much adventure as I want or need. Give it time, I tell my husband. This, too, shall pass.

Signs of the Times: Do Yard Signs Make a Difference?

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In the 11 years that I’ve lived across the street from John and Carey, I’ve not known them to showcase their preferences or opinions with yard signs, unlike many in our liberal, activist, urban neighborhood. So I took note when a Friends of the Saint Paul Public Library sign went up in their front yard — an innocuous enough message, in a neighborhood with two colleges and at least one Little Free Library on every block. And I paid even more attention at the blue and white reminder for traffic to slow down on the side street that we share in our corner houses.

“I feel it’s some kind of miracle that a serious accident has not occurred at our intersection,” Carey told me, citing that as the reason why she got the “20 Is Plenty” sign, which the City of Minneapolis began distributing in 2020, when it lowered its speed limit to 25 miles per hour. (St. Paul began offering free signs to residents earlier this year.) The library sign was a gift to donors, she recalls.

The absence of political signs in their yard on a well-traveled corner is no accident. “We haven’t put up political signs for years,” Carey says. “Personally, I don’t think seeing a campaign sign in someone’s yard would ever influence me to vote for that candidate.”

Her stance is at the heart of my own household’s disagreement about political yard signs. My husband, David, thinks they’re a distraction and a blight. America “fought for the secret ballot for a reason,” he says, and it’s nobody’s business how we vote. I counter that when ill-informed voters fail to recognize all the names on their ballots, I want my candidate’s moniker top of mind: “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of that one.”

I didn’t have yard signs at the house where we raised our sons in Northfield because I had visible jobs — editor of the twice-weekly local newspaper, later director of communications for one of the town’s two private liberal arts colleges — and expressing my viewpoints publicly would have been inappropriate (and unethical as a journalist).

Later, when we moved to St. Paul, I hesitated to display my liberal leanings because of my position as director of neighborhood relations for the state’s largest private college, a Catholic institution. Many students and neighbors knew where I lived, five blocks east of the campus’ northern edge. An “All Are Welcome Here” sign by my own Little Free Library seemed harmless enough, but I waited to plant the pro-choice UnRestrict Minnesota sign in my front yard until I had left the university in September 2022. Having been reported to the general counsel’s office for my activism with Planned Parenthood North Central States, I prioritized job security and bided my time.

Freedom of speech

Signs, flags, bumper stickers: They can serve as advertisements, virtue signaling, rebellions against the establishment or just plain fun.

I laughed out loud when I first saw an “Any Functioning Adult” yard sign in Minneapolis during the 2020 presidential race. More recently, during another heated presidential campaign, I smiled at a yard sign in Grand Rapids, Minnesota to elect a family pet amid the battling Harris-Walz and Trump-Vance signs.

As seen in Minneapolis.
Having fun Up North.

For others in my neighborhood, yard signs are both joyful expressions and serious business. Jamie, the husband and father in the family next door, has printed anti-Project 2025 signs for his yard (and mine) and was among the first on our block to put a Black Lives Matter stake in the ground. “I believe yard and window signs express my beliefs and values,” he says, “especially related to landmark and once-in-a-lifetime cultural change issues like gay marriage or systemic racial injustice.”

Jamie also has printed a T-shirt that he wears when he waves pro-democracy signs with other activists on a busy street corner once a week: “People of quality are not threated by people seeking Equality,” the T-shirt reads.

Two hand-made porch signs at my next-door neighbors’ home.

His wife says the handmade signs in their porch windows were a creative outlet for the oldest of their three children during the early days of COVID and in the explosive aftermath of the police killing of George Floyd. “Signs serve as an entry point to launching a discussion about a difficult or controversial subject,” she says, “and hopefully help others consider opposing views as less threatening.”

Another nearby neighbor — the only Republican I know on the block — put out a Nikki Haley sign back when the presidential candidate was still standing up to Donald Trump. I asked him about it one morning as we were dumping our recycling in the alley bins. He looked wary at first but later explained his motivation in an email.

Credit: Parker Johnson, Unsplash

“I thought she was the most qualified person in the race at the time, and I wanted to show my support and get others to notice,” he told me. “This is the first time I’ve put up a sign in more than 15 years. Nikki was the only presidential candidate I’ve been excited about in many, many years.”

Power and privilege

The Reverend Kelli Clement, a Unitarian Universalist minister, puts up signs in the front yard of her house in south Minneapolis “without worrying too much,” she says. Many of her neighbors share her views, and she works inside an institution that aligns with her values.

She describes both of those circumstances as a privilege:

  • Freedom from fear that a progressive sign would get “shot up or stolen,” which has happened to people she knows in small-town Wisconsin and other rural areas.
  • Freedom from worry that the UU congregation she serves would reprimand or discipline her for voicing opinions that run contrary to church teachings.

The UU “values of justice, equity and inclusivity are my values,” Kelli says. She can’t imagine wanting to post a yard sign that runs contrary to those. Plus, “nonprofit leaders and religious folk are individuals in their own right,” she declares. “We don’t owe our civic opinion to our place of employment.”

For Joan, whom I met through community and political organizing, yard signs are a catalyst to explore and confirm her beliefs. They help her step beyond what’s comfortable “and proclaim a position and values.” Which can be hard, she says, “if you believe you are in the minority.”

I am at an age and stage where I no longer have to appease an employer — a time of life when I am developing what I consider a healthy disregard for whether people approve of me. At 67, after decades of working hard and playing by the rules, I feel I have earned the right to be forthright and frank, so long as I don’t disrespect others. My yard signs may mean little to neighbors or passerby, but for me they represent a visible, colorful, even audacious symbol of being true to myself.

Ready or not: Here comes retirement!

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It happened gradually, and it happened overnight. Over the course of two years — and then seemingly without warning — I have become ready, finally, to embrace retirement. Not to cease being physically active (ever!) or contributing as a volunteer. Not even to give up my quarter-time gig as an editor and nurturer of younger writers.

Instead, after more than 40 years of seeking identity and purpose and meaning through work, I have stopped defining myself as a careerist. As “what I do.” The question to answer now is: Who am I?

“Seasons change, people grow together and apart, life moves on. You will be OK, embrace it.”

— “Words From a Wanderer,” by Alexandra Elle

When I left full-time work in September 2022, at age 65, I would visibly stiffen whenever people asked me about “retirement.” Indeed, I defiantly declared in a blog post that my two part-time jobs qualified me as working — still in the game! —  especially since the positions utilized my skills and had professional sounding titles, which felt important to me then. I also defined retirement, in part, as the decision to draw Social Security, and I aimed to avoid that until I hit my full retirement age of 66 years and 6 months.

Fast-forward to today:

  • I left one of my two part-time gigs in early June, the one that paid better but was more chaotic and uncertain.
  • I opted to begin drawing Social Security when I turned 67, on July 4, and will receive my first check in August.
  • I have become more particular about the freelance work I will accept, turning down a potential offer that would have paid well for at least a year but had aspects that run counter to my values.

Back in February, I woke up earlier than usual on the morning I was set to give notice at my second job. As I sipped my café au lait before sunrise, I listened to a podcast about emotional intelligence in retirement. The speakers urged listeners to name their feelings and even state them aloud, like a 6-year-old: I feel sad. No, not that. I found a letter from the Social Security Administration in a neglected pile of mail, and I recognized a different feeling: I feel scared.

As well as humbled, helpless, hopeful. What comes next?

Where do aging people find community?

Twice last week, on consecutive days, I had rich conversations with women about loneliness and the meaning of friendship, about where we seek and find community now that our networks are shrinking, and our family responsibilities — whether raising children or caring for aging parents — are largely done.

One talk was with my widowed sister, who hasn’t worked in years (the workplace being a hub of socializing and people contact) and who recently moved from her familiar neighborhood. She plays Mahjong with her former neighbors and recently joined a cards group. That squares with advice in a New York Times article back in May, which cited research showing that adults on either end of the age spectrum may be vulnerable to loneliness — and can offset it by volunteering and joining groups.

My second discussion was with a longtime friend who is planning to retire early next year. I told her about the “Women in Retirement” group I had visited recently after months of finding excuses not to go. “The women all looked so old when I walked in,” I said, and then we laughed, knowing full well that the image I carry of myself in my head is not the one that looks back at me in photographs.

Starting from young adulthood, self-reported loneliness tends to decline as people approach midlife only to rise again after the age of 60.

— “The Loneliness Curve,” New York Times, May 21, 2024

Both conversations revolved around the gap between our own perceptions of our energy and vitality — the contributions we still hope to make in the world — and the diminishing way that people perceive us, if they think of us at all. My sister’s young adult grandkids see her as “an old lady,” she says, and rarely are in touch. My friend and I, who met 40 years ago in a newsroom, discussed the coming loss of a collegial community at work, even in a part-time job like mine.

Friendship was the topic at the “Women in Retirement” group last week, with a focus on the axiom that we have friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life (credit a poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker). My small coterie of friends for life — the handful of people who know me as myself, not within a role or professional position — are friends I made back in my 20s and 30s.

Am I still capable of forging and investing in such deep and trusting friendships, or has it become easier to blanket myself in the comfort of people I’ve known for years? Time will tell; and time, I now recognize, in one of aging’s many insights, is an ever-diminishing commodity.

How do we reconcile our shifting energies?

During the four decades when I worked full time, full-bore — setting the “gold standard” for work ethic, one of my managers used to say — I had a standard answer when people asked where I was going on vacation: “Off the clock.” I’ve lived by a calendar and to-do lists for so long that I don’t know how else to operate. The part-time job, the one or two freelance gigs I always have going, the uptick in volunteering: All add up to days that feel nearly as full as the 50-hours-a-week career.

But guess what? It’s catching up to me. At 67, I no longer can summon the energy of a 45-year-old. So: Why do I still take so much pride in staying busy? I hear my late mother posing a question that annoyed me at the time: “You’re always running, Amy. What are you running from, I wonder.” Some part is habit. Some is trying to remain relevant (as though a person my age can do that in our ageist society). Some is denial. An even bigger part is fear.

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

Professor and historian Heather Cox Richardson recently observed that “democracy is a process, and it’s never finished.” I feel the same way about retirement. To concede that my work life — and productivity, as I’ve defined it — is behind me, to accept that family, friends and volunteering are what can bring me peace and purpose, is to take a giant leap into the unknown.

“There is always something truly restorative, really, finally comforting, in learning what is true. In coming to the end of an illusion, a false hope,” wrote Sue Miller in her 1995 novel “The Distinguished Guest,” which I just finished. If I sit still long enough, I can name the illusion, even as I wince at its futility and hubris — the conceit that I could outrun and outwit age.